Guidelines for fairness in relationships

Working it out -- A guide for Couples

1. It's not fair to the other person to depend on them to heal your wounds.
It's not even fair to yourself. Hold your inner child and heal.

2. You can either communicate or vent. Not both. Don't try to work things out
when you're overcharged with emotion. Discharge your emotions first,
by yourself, then communicate.

3. We all just want to be seen. If we can express our own pain or fear,
or see the pain or fear in our partner, instead of getting stuck in anger or blame, we'll move forward.

4. Use the inner clearing process to communicate when you can't "say anything" and everything to the person directly.

5. Under stress we all regress.

6. The 10% rule and it's corollaries:

A. Only 10% of what we're feeling in any situation -- anger, bitterness, fear, jealousy, pain, etc. -- has to do with what's in front of us. The other 90% is from old stuff -- childhood wounds -- triggered by the present situation.

B. It is therefore not fair to blame or attribute all of, or even most of, the pain to the present situation or other person.

C. If we use the triggering of the 90% to take the time to clear and heal our old
wounds, we'll avoid having to have the universe send more triggering situations to us.

D. We'll react less in the future if we have taken the time to feel through and
clear the past.

7. It is a privilege, not a right, to be listened to by our partner.

8. The quickest way to heal interpersonally is to make taboo all references to the injurious events -- for a period of time -- while instead acting only nicely and kindly to the other person. Kill them with love.

9. Make joint decisions in a relationship. Don't just lay your agenda on the other person, trying to convince them of your point of view.

10. Listen when listening is needed, and provide potential solutions/suggestions when that is requested.

11. Your map of reality is not anyone else's. Don't presume you understand the other's motivation, buttons, needs, instead ask the other to help you "learn their book" and how they see things, what they react to most, and what ways they want you to approach and comfort them.
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